


billions

by spideychellehoco



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Anxiety, Depression, Fanfiction of Reality, Hurt Peter Parker, I Love You, INSPIRATIONAL, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, No Spoilers, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Precious Peter Parker, Stay Strong, Suicidal Thoughts, dealing with mental illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 11:00:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14893361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spideychellehoco/pseuds/spideychellehoco
Summary: this short one-shot is actually about the idea of mental health (illness), and how you should deal with it. it's still peter-centric, but will mostly be about anxiety/depression. please be sure to look at the deeper meaning - and talk to people if you experience any of these things. it's always best to share about stuff going on in your life. i did, and it was the smartest thing i ever chose to do. i felt like giving up, but i held on, and i have never regretted it. please, stay strong, no matter what. i love y'all.





	billions

-=+=-

_look at the stars, look how they shine for you_

-=+=-

 

It was beautiful.

It was dark, but the white light of millions of stars shone around him, reflected in his eyes. In the distance, there was a whole other galaxy, the planets and stars melted together into a colourless blur. The sky was tinted with a deep purple, strokes of navy blue and dark, endless black. It was like something you'd see straight out of a masterpiece of art...the brushes of paint strewn so carelessly over the canvas, but so purposefully and perfectly.

It was strange, how so much fear, pain and death could be shown in such a prepossessing,  _alluring_ way.

And a stripe of white light fell through the atmosphere, and Peter watched it as it dived into a never-ending orbit. He wished he was just another star in the universe. Not caring, not feeling, and just falling into the emptiness.

But it wasn't all aesthetic.

There was something bewitching about its magnificence. Something  _else,_ something more to how the stars simmered away and the planets moved in perfect unison. All serving the same purpose – but there was more to that purpose. Something irresistible, something...unfathomable.

There was something hidden in that infinite black. Something in the shadows of the universe that whispered;

_"Abandon...abandon."_

_Abandon hope. Abandon love. Abandon life._

It was something that made you want to just...just  _let go..._ and float away into that nothingness, where you can join the stars and the moons and their worlds forevermore. It made you want to fall asleep, and let the universe take you away into a place where you didn't have to  _feel_ compassion, triumph, power, or trauma, guilt, desperation. Where you weren't condemned to a life you couldn't live, because you were never meant to live it to begin with.

Piercing frost was biting into Peter's skin. Numbing his body, cooling his thoughts.

He wanted it to take him. Whatever lurked in those dark places of the winsome world you couldn't see from your bedroom window. He couldn't live with the weight he had to bear on his shoulders. The weight that pressed down upon his chest, constricting his breath, squeezing his life away.

_"Abandon...abandon."_

But what?

_Abandon what?_  What's left to be abandoned? Not May...not Ben, not his parents. Not even the man who had come to be his father. Not Ned...not even Michelle.  _What was left?_

The Earth beneath him? The world he was so far beyond, so far away from...did they need him? Can they be abandoned? The billions and billions of lives way down there...were they worth staying here for? Were they worth protecting?

They were before. But times have changed, haven't they?

Things are different now, than they were... _before._ He's changed, his life has been turned inside-out and upside-down and he's been changed. And he couldn't go back to how he used to be. He couldn't go back to his old life after this.

_What was left?_

But...but they haven't changed. They were still the same – those billions and billions of lives way down there. They're still living their old lives.  _They haven't changed._

But surely, they didn't need him. They had no use for a reckless teenager, who did more bad than good. Who tried to be better, who tried to help the world, who tried, but failed. Who's lost the only things he's ever loved, the only things he's ever lived for-

He used to live for them.

He used to-

Why doesn't he now? Because he's changed. Why's he changed?

_What was left?_

Why was he changed?

What had happened to him, to make him a different person than to the one who laughed with their aunt when she burnt the cooking? Or the one who always got all the Spanish quizzes right? Or the one who risked his life everyday for those billions and billions of lives, way down there? So he could help them, keep them safe, let them live their old lives. What had happened to that person?

War? Had war happened? Was that why he was changed?

Losing his loved ones? All of them? Is that why?

Or maybe it was himself. Maybe he lost a bit of himself. Is  _that_ why? Maybe he lost that part of himself, that could laugh with his aunt, go to school, be selfless for people he didn't even know. Maybe that's why he's struggling.

_"Abandoned...abandoned."_ The wind now whispered.

He was abandoned. No one was left  _for_ him, so why should he stay  _for_ them? How was that fair? They could take care of themselves. They could before him, so they could now.

Because that's just how it goes, right? It's all about what  _has_ happened, not what  _could_ happen. That's right, isn't it?

The past defines the person you were. The present defines the person you are. So what does the future define?

The person you  _could_ be.  _Could_ things change?  _Could_ you go back, live your old life, with all the things that have changed?

No.

No, it'll never be the same. After war, after loss, after struggle, hurt, pain and suffering...you can't go back to your old life. But you could go back to a new life.

A new life, with new people, new love, new triumph, new power. And yes, new guilt, new pain, new loss.

Because  _could_ is a word of possibilities.

And those possibilities are endless, good or bad. But they're only possible, if you truly believe they can be.

But,  _but-_

What was left?

_What_ does he live for?

_Who needs him?_

Those billions and billions of lives way down there. They need him. They might now know it, he might not understand it, but they do.

Even the stars burnt in agreement. Even the stars stayed alive for those people. Even the planets kept spinning, even the sun kept glowing, even the moon kept rising for those humans. And he was one of those humans.

The light of the universe, that ever glow that shone so brightly. The one that lit up the night sky, the one that stayed during the day, isn't that much stronger than the darkness? How  _insignificant_ is the black, when cracks of light can shine through? Is it not a better way to live – is living in hope, anticipation and passion a better way to live than in despair, pity and loathing? A harder way, yes, but a better way. No one  _said_ that it was easy. But it's always there, even when you can't see it yourself. There's always hope.

And that yearn for the emptiness of letting go...it's always there, too. It's there, but it's unpretentious and trivial compared to the greatness, love, light and unity of the rest of the universe. It's in the shadows, afraid to come out. Afraid to step away from the position in which it hides from the power of righteousness and morality of the true purpose of the world. There's always going to be a night. But a day is always what follows, right? The light.

The stars shine brightest in the night, when the darkness fills the sky. And yet, during the day...when there's no darkness, when all is good – the stars are still there. Still burning away, still there for your next struggles, when you need them again.

 

Billions and billions of stars way up there.

 

 

" _Abandon hope. Abandon love. Abandon life."_

 

 

 

But why would you abandon it-

 

When you can have it?

 

 

 

 

 

And so he held on.

-=+=-

this one-shot was about Peter Parker, post Infinity War, when he is the only Avenger who survived. May, Ned, Michelle and all his friends were all killed during the war too. So, basically, he's the only one left.

protect him, Marvel.

P.S. this isn't a prediction, i just want a clear message sent out to everyone suffering from depression or anxiety that if you hold on, you won't regret it.

stay strong and know that you are loved and appreciated.


End file.
